Here it is... An answer to my writers block. Only, why must it come at 12:32 am on a Sunday night? Sometimes the greatest "AH-ha" moments come to you at the worst times, but you feel like you must answer the questions they are begging of you.
So here it is:
Tonight, I'm not even tired, what a surprise... No, seriously, what a surprise... Our whole family has been wheezing, coughing with running noses all weekend... How am I not tired from this... Well... whatever it is. Because something just hit me... I mean like standing-on-the-side-of-the-road, being-blind-sighted-by-a-14-wheeler, kind of "hit me".
As I finally finished my Music Appreciation paper that is due tomorrow, I settled into bed ready to sleep. But I stop myself because I hadn't read my Jesus Calling passage today... (Or for a few days if you want me to be honest!) Have you ever had a moment in your life when you felt like something was calling out to you... And I don't just mean a person... Cause that happens all the time. I mean something... A book, a job, a school, a song, you name it. Well, tonight as my Bible laid on the book rack across from my bed, I heard God's voice from inside saying, "You need to see this. You need to see this tonight." So I pulled the covers off, not too mad at God for making me see whatever it is He had to show me, since I wasn't tired anyways....
I took my Jesus Calling book off the shelf along with my bible. As I snuggled back into my warm covers, I opened Jesus calling up to November 17th. Okay God, what is this you have to show me. I want You to show me its meaning. So I turned the pages and read: "To walk along the path of freedom, you must keep your mind firmly fixed on Me. Many voices proclaim: "This is the way for you to go," but only MY voice tells you the true way. If you follow the way of the world with all its glitter and glamour, you will descend into an abyss."
Let's back up for a minute:
Just last week, I started questioning my whole career path. And although I thought "eh who cares what I choose.", That is not what God was thinking. Just a year ago I was deciding that I wanted to pursue a career in Nursing. This was a big step for me because I was not the best student in high school, I know Nursing school is HARD (and then adding a kid in with it.... Nearly impossible maybe??), I am the biggest procrastinator on the planet, and my ADD... well.... It's bad. I get distracted easily... let's put it that way.
So, I knew Nursing school would be hard. The second hardest thing I'd ever do after being a parent. But I just knew this was something I had to pursue. I was being called to the field like a solider at war. So I surrendered to God's plan. Nursing school will kick my butt. I am 100% sure of it. But I have no doubt that I can get back up, wipe by butt off, and get back in the game. Seems like I've been having to do that a lot lately, so I know I am capable of it.
Where am I getting with this you ask? ... Well, last week a thought came into my head: "Why don't I just fast-track nursing school, start the 9-month program to get my LPN, and go back to nursing school to get my RN when the time is right. After-all, Fast tracking would allow me to get a job faster than I would if I were to finish Nursing School in 3 years, it would allow me to support myself and my son, and much more! So let's think about it."
It didn't take long for me to decide that I wanted to stick with Nursing School..but why? It all sounds so.... glamorous, Doesn't it? The freedom of not owing anyone anything. Being able to say "I did this, I paid for that all by myself. I can support Cohen without any ones help. So, I'll go back to Nursing school when Cohen gets in school. I've got all the time in the world."
But the realistic truth about all this? I am already FREE! I am free in Christ Jesus! And you know what else? God could care LESS about the glamour. His plan doesn't revolve around the "glamour." His plan is strictly about us. Because He simply wants us. That's it.
So where am I going with this broad subject....
Tonight, as I picked up this book and my bible, this is the last thing that was on my mind. Okay, I chose to continue with Nursing school... But I never paid attention to God's plan. Maybe God wants me to fast-track my school and get on to being a grown up, paying bills, being a grumpy single mom who never has time for her son because she working too much. It that really why I chose not to go that way? Because of COURSE that's not what He wants.... What I am getting to is the "Whys." I say it all the time... "I just felt this is what I need to do. Or not what I need to do." But WHY?
So I tried to understand why I felt like I needed to continue with Nursing... And I know why. But I know only because of these words right here: "To walk along the path of freedom, you must keep your mind firmly fixed on Me. Many voices proclaim: "This is the way for you to go," but only MY voice tells you the true way. If you follow the way of the world with all its glitter and glamour, you will descend into an abyss." Because God doesn't CARE about how I will be doing all this stuff for myself. He's saying, "Chaney, that's all dandy but I don't care. You are making a life decision, a big one at that, so that you can support yourself?? So that you can have pride in what you have done for yourself?" And as I hear Him saying this to me, all I can do is stop. And shake my head. Who am I to care about earthly things when my purpose here on earth, strangely enough, has NOTHING to do with anything here on earth. I love my job as a mom. I've said it 100 times, I was born to be a mom. But the truth? I was born to die. I was born to pronounce God as my King, Christ as my Savior. And die. This life I have is literally worth LESS than a grain of salt if my eyes are not fixed on God's kingdom. Because God created me not for this world, but for His Kingdom.
If you know me your eyes are probably wider than the sea and your jaw hit the floor about 2 minutes ago. I am a very prideful person... It kinda sorta runs in my blood. I will admit that it has gotten WAY better since I became a mom, but in some areas, it still lingers. And this is one of them.
But God's right. (Isn't He always? It's kinda funny how that always happens...) But He's right! Everything I do in my life, I need to do with my eyes fixed on Him and His will for me. Tonight, I saw first hand that whatever I do, no matter the level of difficulty, if God wants something for my life He will make it happen in His time and the way He wants. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
My dream to become a Labor and Delivery nurse comes with more than just being able to see babies brought into this world all day long. The good Lord has shown me that my passion is so much more than that. It's about the moms. The teenage girls who come into the hospital, scared, too young to understand what's about to happen. The girls without their moms by their side. The ones who are completely alone. The ones who have to face giving their child up to another family. It's not about me, it's not about the babies. It's about the moms and most importantly, it's about furthering God's kingdom. It's about sharing my story with them. Showing them how hard things can be at one point in your life, and the next day everything is different. Some things change in good ways, others, not so good. One day I'm going to be holding a girls hand as she brings a precious life into this world, and God's going to shine His light through ME.
So, that's why. That's why every choice in our life matters. If you are making decisions in your life because it looks glamorous from an earthly view, it probably isn't the answer you are searching for. Are you making a choice because it's easier for you? Or are you making a choice because you will get to be an avenue for Jesus's light to shine through? To be a light for someone who needs the rejuvenating feeling of hope to rush through their veins once again. This is why I chose to continue my uphill battle called Nursing School. I chose this path because it's the least glamorous one. Being in school for three years, yuck. But I chose this path because, although it may not look glamorous, it's the choice that is going to bring not only myself closer to God, but hopefully many other people. Because honestly people, God doesn't care about the glamour. He doesn't care about our lives being filled with butterflies and dandy lions if His light can't be shown through it all.
My question for you is, is the path you've chosen glamorous? It may be glamorous, but is it glamorous because it's your picture perfect plan, or His?
Or, is it messy? It may be messy because you've made it that way. It may be messy because you are treating it like a bad hair day. You mess with it long enough and before you know it only a hair dresser can fix it. Only God can fix your mess. But He can, and He does, and He will.
If you took the time to read this, I hope it hit home for you the way it did for me. I've never seen decision making in this light before. I never cease to be amazed by the power that God has, to open our hearts to something we never would have seen before if we hadn't been seeking Him.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
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