By Grace I'll Carry On

I've had this story bottled up for far too long. Not just the story but the way I want to reveal it. I know God didn't give me this unbelievable story to keep harbored inside of my heart so I am finally letting it ooze out of my fingertips onto this page in hopes that it will be a light for someone who has lost hope or no longer believes that things can get better for them. I have experienced first hand that God has a plan for each and every one of us. It might take a hell of a lot of time to figure out what that is, maybe even 18 years, but as everyday passes the Lords mighty hand is at work in our lives. I am confident of this now.

So here it is:
*10/14/2011

It was mid October and the autumn breeze was just beginning to roll in. My second favorite time of the year, but the weather was the absolute last thing I had on my mind. I found myself sitting in the parking lot of Wal-greens with a $20 bill crinckled in the sweaty palm of my hand. "Let's do this." I heard a voice startle me as I jerked myself back into reality. It was the voice of my boyfriend (at the time), Isaac. "Let's go" He said, "We don't have much time." I quickly slid the money into my blue jean pocket and got out of the car. As we walked into the drug store all I could hear was the pounding of my own beating heart. It's as if everyone knew what we were there for. They could see our guilty, terrified countenaces. We walked down isle 11. I quickly grabbed a pregnancy test, clutched it by my side, and began walking toward the front of the store. "Am I seriously doing this?" I silently kept asking myself. How in the world did I get into this mess? We walked up to the check-out counter. The lady behind the counter scanned our item. "That'll be $18.65, please." I knew she could see right through our fake we-aren't-scared-at-all looks. I pulled the wrinkled $20 out of my pocket and set it in front of her. She handed me my change and the bag and wished us a friendly "good luck."

When we pulled up to my house I was anxious to get inside. I immediately ran to the bathroom. I wanted to know the results of this test and I wanted to know them now. One minute passed. Then two. Isaac and I watched as the test developed. One line............ Two lines.......... There it was. Right in front of me was the answer that would forever change both of our lives, but mine especially......... Pregnant.

For a while neither of us spoke a word. What was there to say? Finding out you are pregnant shouldn't be like this. We both knew that. There shouldn't be tears of sorrow, but of joy. But not in this case. We were just two teenagers with futures ahead of us and the world at our finger tips. Only Juniors in high school for petes sake! How in the world were we suppose to raise a child and go to school. It wouldn't be possible! At this point there were so many things running through our heads.

The next day was a Tuesday. Fall break was over and we were heading into our second 9 weeks of junior year. When I saw Isaac at school it was like living in a dream.... More like a nightmare. All I wanted to do was pinch myself and wake up. But this was real and time wasn't stopping for my sake.

We had this secret, a big one that was invisible to the human eye. We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone for a week or two. I don't really remember why we chose to do this because looking back I see that this secret was a hinderence on my heart. I felt alone, and scared. I talked to Isaac about it but there was really nothing I was feeling that he wasn't. So we waited. For two weeks we waited..

Those two weeks are still a blur to me. All I remember was feeling sick to my stomach about telling our parents and what there reactions would be. Isaac and I decided it'd be best to tell them seperately for the sake of not getting murdered right then and there.

After those weeks of initial shock passed it was time to start thinking about the future and what would be my next step.


I was scared and mad. Mad that my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to. Scared that I was going to end up heartbroken and alone at the end of all this. I quickly directed that anger and frustration to the One person who promised would always be there for me; God.

My 18th birthday was here before I could blink. Just two weeks after telling my parents the news. It was not a pleasant day for me to say the least. Thankfully, my friend from school whom I had been close to since 7th grade told me I could come stay with her and her family. I was in disblief that someone would be so gracious to me, but I knew that this was probably the best option for me in the midst of this difficult time. So there I was on my 18th birthday moving out of the only place I have ever called home.

Once I was finally moved into their home, my friends mom told me of the woman who lived next door. She too had gotten pregnant at a young age and chose to give her son up for adoption. A couple of days later I was introduced to her and we talked for quite a while about what plan I was going to choose for myself and this baby. Adoption certainly wasn't what I wanted, but at this point in time I had no other choice. I was nearly homeless, pregnant, and still in high school. How in the world could I ever raise a child when I was so broken myself?

As angry as I was at God I knew carrying my burdens to His feet was the only way I was going to come out of this disaster of a situation at peace. So on November 22nd I began to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I prayed for peace and for patience. I knew I wasn't going to get the answer I wanted right away or maybe ever. But I also knew I had to hold onto the promises God had made me from the very beginning and have complete faith in them. And that is what I did. At this point trusting God was the only option I had. Before I went to bed that night I said one last prayer. "Lord, if you can hear me at all, I just ask that you would reveal to me Your plan for myself and most importantly for this child I am carrying. The absolute last thing I want to do is watch another family raise my child, but You did it. You sacrificed Your son, so if that is the path You want for me, Lord, please just provide me with the strength to get through it. I am nothing without You. If I've learned anything in the past few weeks, that's it. So God, I pray not my will be done but Yours. This life of mine is meaningless if You are not leading it."

The next day I got a call from the women next door. Just meeting her a couple of days prior to this phone call I found it a bit strange that she was calling me already. I quickly pressed "talk" and before I could blurt out a friendly "Hey!" she said this, "Chaney? How are you? I am calling to tell you that my daughter, Lindsay, has a friend who is looking to adopt. It's kind of a crazy story actually but she and her husband are missionaries in Italy. Her mother is having surgery in a few days and she will be in town over Thanksgiving. I know you have not entirely decided on adoption but if you are interested in meeting her, I think it would be a great idea." My immediate thoughts were "WHAT!?" Okay God.... I realize that I prayed for an answer or a sign yada yada yada, but THIS soon!? No no no no no. I'm not ready for this. I felt a sharp pain tingle over my entire body. I guess this was reality slapping me in the face. "Wow" I said. That's just about the only word I could get out of my mouth. I took a deep breath, "I will definitely consider it." "Great! I will text you her number when we get off here. We will talk soon, have a great day Chaney." beeeep. The phone call ended just like that. A few seconds later a number appeared on my cell phone screen. For a while I just starred at it. Lord, is this Your answer for me? This soon? I mean, I just asked for an answer yesterday. I definitely wasn't prepared for this. I don't know what to do, Lord.

The morning of Thanksgiving I picked up my battered old cell phone that my friends family loaned me, and dialed "Sarahs" number. Ring...... ring....... My heart beat faster as every ring ended. "Hello?" A womans gentle voice filled the place of the silence. I quickly remembered I was supposed to say something. "Hi! Sarah? This is Chaney Sanders. Your friend Lindsay informed me that you and your husband have briefly thought about adoption. I was calling to tell you that I have no other choice at this point than to start looking for adoptive families for my child. I know we have never met, but just a day after I prayed for an answer from God, your name was revealed to me." We talked for about 20 minutes. I attempted to fill her in on this journey I had just begun traveling. She told me a little bit about her family and by the end of the conversation, I knew that I needed to meet this woman before she headed back to be with her husband and daughter in Italy. We decided that we would meet on Saturday afternoon.

As Saturday morning rolled in, I began to feel apprehensive about everything. But with that thought, I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. My eyes closed and the ears of my heart opened to God's will for me and my baby. "Lord be in this place as I meet Sarah today. Flood our hearts and words with Your peace and wisdom." As the door opened, I looked up to see a beautiful woman standing right in front of me. I instantly noticed the glow she brought to the room. She was stunning; the picture of a perfect mother. Just what I had in mind when I pictured the family that would raise my child. The way she talked about her family inspired me. I was so relieved that I felt so comfortable with her. I knew this was an answered prayer. We talked for several hours about everything. By the end of our conversation, I knew I needed to think about this decision. After all, it's not everyday you choose which family will raise your child. This was heartbreaking for me, but I knew if I didn't make a decision, I would be left to make one in the hospital and this wasn't something that could wait until the last minute. As the conversation ended, we prayed that God would shed a light on this situation. We parted ways and suddenly I was left alone in the silence. I closed my eyes and poured my heart onto my sleeve in hopes that the Lord would take this overwhelming and heartbreaking story and turn it into a beautiful one. Lord, lead me to Your will, no matter what that may be. I am so afraid that I am going to end up heartbroken after this chaos ends, but I trust in Your power. In Your redemption. I've never felt so vunerable but as I rest in this vunderable state, I feel Your presence more than I ever have.

Later that afternoon, I called Isaac to tell him how my talk with Sarah went. He was almost as suprised as I was that a family had been placed infront of us this fast. Could this be the sign I was asking for? I wasn't sure how quickly I should move with my decision. But of course, in good ole Chaney fashion, I rushed it. I hopped onto the adoption train because honestly, how could this not be what God wanted for me? Everything had been set infront of me, as if God were pointing one of those abnoxious arrows people hold on the side of the road as they advertise someone or something, saying HERE'S YOUR ANSWER CHANEY. TAKE THIS PATH. DO IT. So I decided to call Sarah and tell her what was on my heart.

"Hello?" A soft, compassionate voice came from the other end of the telephone. "Sarah? It's Chaney. I know I am calling relatively soon after our talk, but there's been a lot on my heart and mind. Things that I want you to know. First, I know that adoption is not what I want for my life. If I could keep my baby, I wouldn't even think twice about doing so. But I can't. So I am choosing you and your husband to carry on this life after it comes in the world. There's no other option for me. I know that God placed you here for a reason and I assume this is it. So if you are ready to move forward with this, I am too." For a moment there, you could hear a pin drop. The silence was heavy. But Sarah quickly chimmed in, "Chaney, I think what you are doing is brave and selfless. I can't imagine being in your shoes, but my husband and I would be honored to bring your child home with us and raise him/her. I know this is a rough situation, but we will walk with you until the very end, if that is what you want." I could hear the delight in her voice, but the fear that this could all come crashing down in a split second. Something that I now know everyone who chooses to adopt, feels.

The days following were gloomy. My heart ached knowing that in 7 months I would have to hand over the most precious thing that has ever been a part of me. I've been pregnant for nearly two months and I'm already in love with the tiny soul growing inside of me. I dreaded feeling him/her kick for the first time because I knew how hard it would be for me. Although my heart was breaking, I continued to trust in God's plan. I kept telling myself "This is what God wants for you, Chaney. He wouldn't have placed these people in front of you so fast if it wasn't." 

December 6th I had my very first ultra sound. Sarah went to be back with her family in Italy, so she was unable to come. Looking back, I am thankful I was in the room alone when I saw that sweet little fetus squirming around in my tummy because I didn't want anyone to see me shed the tears forming from the corner of my eyes. I tried my best to blink them away, but I couldn't contol them from rolling down my cheek. As the salty tears ate at my skin, I could taste the aching of my heart. I felt hopeless and for the first time since I could remember, I let myself feel the deep pain that was crippling my heart. I felt completely broken inside. Lord, will these wounds ever be healed? I didn't just lose contact with my family but I've lost my sense of safety. I am constantly feeling alone and I just don't know if I will ever feel whole again.

Less than a week after my appointment, I recieved a life changing phone call. I glanced down at my cell phone to see that my aunt was calling me. "Oh no", I thought. --My dads side of the family didn't have a clue what had happened because I was too scared they would take it like my mom did, so I just left the whole matter a secret. People at school had just found out so the word was spreading like wildfire.--

"Hello..?" I knew my voice was shakey but I couldn't hide it. "Chaney? Oh thank goodness we have finally reached you!" The voice was my cousin, Mckenna's. We had been so close growing up so I knew I was in a safe place with her. "Dad told mom that he heard you are pregnant and on drugs. We know that you are not on drugs, but being pregnant seems realistic." I instantly began filling them both in on everything that had happened since October. From how we found out, to my moms reaction, and choosing adoption. They were in complete shock, but in a relitively good kind of way. As disappointed as they were, I could still hear the love in their voices and for the first time in quite a while I had hope for my future. I was grateful for this conversation. I closed my eyes and thanked God for the grace that had been shown on this night.  I reminded myself over and over again, God's looking out for you, Chaney. Because He was.

For the next few days I stayed in contact with my aunt. We discussed what I was going to do about school and the thousand of other things on my ginormous "to do" list. Christmas was approaching in the next couple of weeks and she asked if I'd like to come celebrate with them. "Well" I said, "I never actually thought about staying with you guys, but now that you are bringing it up it makes total sense." And that was that. We spent Christmas together as a family, and in those couple of days that I stayed with her and my cousins we did a lot of talking about the baby. January 3rd was coming up. This was the day I would finally find out what it's sex was. I was filled with excitment, but I was scared all at once. I knew knowing the sex would form a deeper attachment to my child... And that's the last thing I wanted.

I moved in with my aunt just a few days after Christmas. I will always be grateful that the Grissims were part of my story, and that they were there for me when no one else was. The Lord placed them in my life to do nothing but good and I am blessed by that fact, but I knew being with my family was my safe place. A place I had longed to be for so long. This was yet another answered prayer.

A couple of days before my second ultrasound I sat down with my family and we finally brought up the elephant in the room that had made himself cozy for far too long: adoption. My aunt looked at me and said "Chaney, I know you. I know you have a heart for children and I can not fathom what it will be like for you to place yours up for adoption. If you are willing to think about it, I would be happy to make him/her a room in our office so that you can keep him. If you truly believe the Lord is calling you to go through with the adoption, I respect that, but we all want you to know that you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with. I will help you with anything as best I can." With those words I was in complete shock. Speechless. I knew I needed to reflect on the words she spoke before I made a decision.

After this conversation ended I no longer felt like God was screwing me over. I absolutely knew now that He heard my cries. Every single one of them, He heard them from the very beginning. From this point I didn't know whether this was God telling me adoption was just a test or my future. I was so confused.

You know, I never understood the story of Abraham being tested until now. In fact, I always thought God was being ridiculous when He tested one of His most faithful servants. But in this instance, I finally got a glimpse of what it was like to be in Abraham's shoes. Abraham was ready to give up the most precious thing he had, in order to please God. God knew Abraham didn't want to do this because he loved Isaac with everything he had. But Abraham did this because it was what The Lord asked of Him and he longed to be in the will of God. If you have ever read this passage (Genesis 22) you know that as soon as Abraham was ready to sacrafice Isaac, the Lord spoke "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am", he replied. "Do not lay a hand on the boy," He said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, beacause you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son." Abraham looked up, and there in the thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over, took the ram and sacraficed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

I prayed before opening my bible that the Lord would reveal His plan to me. When I opened it to these words, I knew this was the answer I longed for from the moment I learned I was pregnant. Adoption was not the journey I was going to embark upon. Liberated from a weight that had been so heavy on my heart, I closed my eyes and thanked God for all that He had done in just a few days. The Lord had bigger and better plans for me. I knew this now, but even better, I believed it.


So, on January 3rd I found out that I would be bringing a sweet baby boy into this world. I was overjoyed. The feeling was indescribable. I will never forget that day. I no longer had to worry about being in the will of God because I was already there. My heart was overwhelmed by God's peace that day. I was done worrying about what the future held because from this point on, I knew I would have a baby boy to share everything with. God will carry us through every hardship that comes before us. I knew now that everything was going to be just fine. I had longed for this feeling of peace for so long, and now I was finally letting it cover all the wounds that had formed in the past two and a half months.

I've learned countless lessons from this trial in my life. One being that God opens doors, but sometimes we are not meant to walk through them. I was so captivated by a door that had opened beside me that I took my eyes off the door at the very end of the hallway. The one God planned for me to walk through from the very beginning. Adoption seemed like the best option at the time, but if I had waited just a little longer, I would have seen the plans God had yet to reveal. I quickly realized that I rushed my decsision in choosing adoption for my son. It turns out adoption was not for me. Not because I think it is wrong by any means, but because I never could come to peace with it. It's like I was forcing myself into a pair of shoes that just didn't fit.


I beam inside and out as I write this story and replay these events over in my head. Looking back I realized how oblivious I was to what the Lord wanted for my life. I just assumed my story would end with hearbreak because that's what I deserved. But all along God was saying "Child, I will redeem you. I will carry you and I will protect you from harm. Trust Me because I love you." See, that's what God does. He takes what is cruel and heart wrenching and makes it whole. And not only does He make it whole, He creates a beautiful mosaic story out of our brokenness. He is the only one who can perform such miracles as the ones that have taken place in this story. I learned the hard way what it felt like to assume He wanted anything but happiness for me. That is why it means so much to me that I can sit here and write about how GOOD God is. I know now that God wants what is best for me. Not only did he hear my cries, but He felt my pain. He was carrying me through this entire journey and I was too blind to even see it at first.


Cohen Christopher took his first breath on June 21, 2012 at 4:49 pm. On Saturday, June 23rd, I brought him home with me. I know as a human I will continue to fall short of God's glory, I will make many more mistakes, but I will always be able to reflect on this story and know that God's plan will always be the best plan. He never seeks revenge even though we hurt Him daily. This lesson was the hardest one to learn because as humans if someone hurts us, we often try to get them back. But I have seen the goodness God has to offer. He is not human, He is God. He is perfect in every way, shape, and form. I no longer fear the future because I know The Lord has been and always will be right by my side looking out for me in every circumstace.



As I sit here and look at my little boy, who I absolutely love and adore, I realize I would walk a thousand miles over burning coals to taste God's goodness like I have in the past two years. Yes, this story took place almost two years ago. I wish so badly that I could stand on a mountain and shout to the world "It's time for you people to wake up! Get out of your "secure" places, your scraps of faith, and cold religion. What God has done for me, He can do for you."




It might take 18 years to turn the lock and discover what lies behind the door of suffering and heartache. But once opened, those scars fade and the light overwhelms you. The pain you have felt from the very start is swallowed by God's redemption. The wounds are still there but they no longer hurt you. God uses our pain and turns it into a beautiful blessing. 

By His grace I have been saved, and by grace I'll carry on.

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